ADDICTION Forum covering ALL addictions.

Hi all

I have a problem with alcohol and have done for at least 10 years. I drink at least a bottle of wine most nights. I wake up with good intentions. However by midday at work I am thinking about having that glass of wine. By 5pm I am really looking forward to it. Of course it's never just one but at least the whole bottle most of the time. Part of the problem, in addition to the addiction to the substance, is that I suffer from really bad OCD, and when I do rarely lay off for a few days, it hits me full force. I start obsessing about a certain damaging idea and just can't stop. For example I went on holiday with my partner a couple of weeks ago. I didn't drink for 6 days. We did really nice things, going to the beach, visiting places of interest. Yet a certain obsession, which is always underlying, totally took hold. While I appreciated the break and seeing the coast and other sights, the truth is, I couldn't feel a minute of genuine joy. The OCD obsession also involved negative thoughts about my boyfriend, and so I felt more distant from him. I don't want to look for an excuse for drinking, I recognise it is ultimately simply a substance addiction, but I don't know how to stop, when any time I try, I am overcome with unwanted obsessions which do exist all the time, but alcohol at least temporarily dampens down.

You sound so much like me I'm sat here now having drunk a bottle of wine already,I don't want to be like this but I can't stop its horrible my lovely partner is guna leave me and I've had enough its despair

Hi guys,

Saturn - I suffer with OCD and have had a drink and drug problem all my adult life. I was diagnosed having OCD years ago but identify I've had it since childhood. Obviously the excessive drink and drugs have exacerbated this condition over the years.
Since I was diagnosed and opened up (naively) I've had nothing but ridicule from my place of employment, people I thought were friends and family members. Support groups I've been to haven't helped either and I've been to many.
In fact since I was encouraged to be honest and open my life has become incredibly difficult, and I thought we're supposed to be moving forward in terms of dealing with mental health problems.
Clearly there's still a stigma attached.
So after years of a contamination based obsession that at its worst literally renders me useless, i'm having to sort of work through my problems all on my own.
I am on a waiting list for CBT but the waiting list is incredible - so we know we're not alone, despite what we think.
Tonight, i'm positive. I'm good because I haven't had a drink, taken a tablet or had a bet. Tomorrow however will be my second day of abstinence but that usually changes when I get stressed about not being able to do the most simplest of tasks.
So what am I going to do tomorrow? Well, i'm trying to gain control and stop all those nasty addictions I have so i'm off to what I saw was the last resort - a trip to an AA meeting.
I'm nervous as I type this. I'm so heavily reliant on drink i'm not sure how i'll even get there let alone walk through the door.
Anyway, I don't want to waffle or preach or anything like that. Point is I understand a little of what you're going through. The sort of self medicating using alcohol to help you get through because of such a debilitating illness.
I don't know if you watched it and I wasn't going to, in fact i'm not sure where you're from, but in England there's was a documentary about Britain's only specialist ward for people with OCD. Now I knew I was bad but after watching it, I now know how bad I've suffered with it. Yet I've cried out this for years and my family and partners have seen it first hand yet the authorities are ill equipped to deal with people like us. It's disgraceful.
I have tried taking my own life numerous times. Sometimes half arsed in a drunken state, sometimes deadly serious but miraculously survived. I don't want to leave but it gives an indication just how tiring if anything it is for me and fellow sufferers.
So slowly but surely I've identified things I can't cope with and changed everything that made me unhappy.
I've left the job that made me so stressed it sent my OCD sky high. I left the relationship that equally made me distressed. I have stopped taking any form of drug in tablet form and cut the ciggies out. I've stopped eating to excess as I find having excess energy makes it worse. I don't drink caffeine but don't drink too much good fluid as personally that worsens things for me. Even vitamins make things worse for me so I don't take them. I've gone back to the gym once a week and am currently studying a course of interest. Lastly, I've started to ask for forgiveness from a higher entity as a form of offloading guilt and meditating. Oh and I try and put people before myself too.
These are just a few things I've identified and cut out of my life and it's made things a little easier. I don't suffer as much but I still suffer. Steering clear of any form of gambling helps me as well.
I'll be quiet now as I've rambled on far too long! Bottom line is, you're not on your own, even if you can't access the support you need the same as me.
Try and identify the stresses that make it worse for you and cut it out. What I've also tried to do is slowly confront my fears. Only little progressive small steps but massive ones for me.
Please don't give up. I have so many times but it will get easier.
I will let you know how I get on at AA, that's if I find the courage to go.