How did I get so alone and have a secret addiction to cocain

[Never19]

Hey, well this site is new to me. I have no one else I can talk to as I am so ashamed of the person I have become. I don't even know where to start. I apologise now if I go on, I just need to get this off my chest.

I used to take coke in my twenties when going out with friends, then I stopped. Yes I thought about it every now and again especially when drinking but it wasn't a big part of my life. I then started taking it at home with friends or on my own and when things got so bad and messed up I stopped and that was it.

I got a great job and things were good. Coke was in the past, no way could I hold down a full time job and have coke at the weekends as the comedowns were so bad so coke was in my past...or so I thought...

Last year was the worst for me, I was so glad to see the back of it. I don't tend to get much luck, I don't know why as I am a nice person. People say I am too giving.
Dramas happened one after the other... I lost my job, a relationship ended, my friend in LA committed suicide and I ended up in a really bad place and took an overdose. I was on antidepressants and I have taken so many different ones but nothing works.

Anyway I had got to a time in my life where I wanted to work for myself so I started a business, working from home, on my own. It took a lot of hard work for me to set everything up by myself.
Things are slow, I am trying to push my business in different ways. I also got a puppy, a new lease of life apparently, he is great company...so how did it all start again?

My dad took ill (he is still here but not a well man) and I just needed an escape. It just started with me getting a couple of grams and that would see the week though. I also got it to loose a bit of weight (not that I need to) then a couple of grams a week ended up being a couple of grams which I would finish in 2 days. I don't get that high anymore, it doesnt really do much but I can't stop. I like taking it in the morning so I can get things done in the day then I try and stop late afternoon. I always end up saying 'Just one more line'. I stop for a day, binge on rubish food, then buy more, not eat for a further few days then start again. My nose worries me, I blow out all sorts. I think omg this HAS to stop, but then the cravings take over. I don't want a nose job, how embarrassing would that be?

I am in my thirties and should know better. I am disgusted and ashamed of myself. I look in the mirror and I don't see that confident woman who used to go out, socialise, meet new people, go on singles holidays in the Caribbean and just enjoy life. All last year I stayed in, it was my safety net. I have no friends to talk to, I definately can't tell my mum as she is in her 70's and wouldnt understand. I have thought about councilling but again, how can I tell someone I am addicted to coke? So humiliating. I can't tell my doctor. I have looked into rehabs but then I tell myself I CAN quit, I HAVE to quit. Can I though? This is due to boredom, starting working from home, having too much time on my hands, I am a complete loner. I know you will say go back to a full time job, but this is my chance to be a success, plus I have a dog which can't be left more than a few hours! I hate the UK and have been so unhappy for so long, I have nothing here and no life. I would love to pack up and live in the US as I love America. But then I am in the same position, alone and bored. Plus you need guts to do something like that.

I want to be positive but everything I do ends up failing. I am a failure and this is not a life for me. I so wish that overdose worked last year. Ending things may just be easier for everyone...

Sorry to rant on, if you are reading this then thanks for taking the time out to read my post.
All replies appreciated x

[Jjjjffff]

Never19, I know how you feel. I have been there, to the point where I would call in sick to work just to stay at home for the day and do Coke. Sometimes up to 2g a day. I too, felt horrible about myself. A disgrace to my family and friends, who by the sounds of it are very much like yours and would not understand. This disgrace led me to do more cocaine to feel better about myself, but this only made me feel worse and worse.

I have changed jobs 4 times in the past 12 months, at the time I believed it was the job, but I have to admit I see now it was my cocaine use.
I had been clean for months up until today and have been so much happier! I have a boyfriend in the forces who absolutely HATES anything to do with drugs, I nearly lost him over it about 8 months back. And yet I'm sat here today wondering why I've just gone behind his back and taken it today. Being in this position is so much better to the similar to yours situation I was in a few months back though.

It is possible to quit it. I found that after about a week my cravings subsided a lot. Although all you can think of is cocaine, it really helps to socialize. See friends, family and do activities. Especially in that first week! Distraction is what worked for me, and although I have had a slight relapse today, reading your story has made me more motivated to be clean again. This may seem like a bit of a slap in the face for you, but you can be in this position in a week or a month. Reading other people's struggles, being able to relate and feeling proud that you have achieved something. Take it a day, an hour or 10 minutes a time and feel proud of holding out from doing cocaine for that length of time. Delete dealers numbers from your phone and make it really difficult to access the stuff.

You can do it!

[topa01]

Never19 I just read your post and just wanted to say you can beat this. I was addicted to speed for years and didn't stop even though I knew I should. I'm clean now and am actually a qualified drugs counsellor though don't want to do it for a job I just want to offer support in these forums online. If you have any questions about drugs or recovery please get back to me and I will be happy to help. Before I go I just wanted to share that one thing that has helped me change my life is getting into health and fitness, perhaps you could give that a go, you get a good natural high from that. Anyway I wish you all the best